‘He likes keeping malice with me’

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Dear Love Doctor,

My name is Nneka. I’ve been in love with a guy for 3 years now. And he has started paying my bride price since the past one month. What I want in marriage is happiness and understanding, irrespective of if my husband is rich or not. However, I’m not happy with his attitude at present.

He gets upset at the slightest provocation and keeps malice with me for one to two months. I have begged him and advised him to change but he has refused. Now I want to quit the marriage for peace to reign since he doesn’t want my happiness.

Love Doctor’s Advice:

Dear Nneka,

Please try to control your anger because anger makes people take rash decisions. What do you do that makes him keep malice with you? Do you demand too much or offend him in some way? Or is your man simply acting childishly? It is assumed that before two people decide to marry, they must be compatible.

If you’re not sure of your compatibility, why rush into marriage? Three years is long enough to decide if you’re compatible or not to marry. Or have you endured for three years with him because he gives you money? I advise you to search your heart.

Take time to search your heart & find out the reason you want to be with him. Most people go into relationships for one of four major reasons. 1.Love. 2. Lust. 3. Loneliness. 4. Financial or other benefit (eg, job, sponsor etc). Search your heart & find out the real reason you want to be with him.

Then decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with him or not. If you want to marry, learn to accept someone the way he is & be patient. You can’t change his personality. Lovers who like keeping malice with their partners are usually either immature, extremely sensitive or the vindictive/unforgiving type.

If your man is very sensitive, stopdoing things that provoke him. Does he always act childishly? If he is childish, don’t rush to marry him because he may not bepsychologically ripe or mature enough for marriage. One way to heal an immature male lover is by depending less on him.

When he sees that you’re independent (eg, you don’t ask him for money anymore), he will start behaving himself in order to win your love. Maybe he keeps malice with you because you always depend on him. Depend less on him so that he can respect you.

Relationships are not generally built on changing people’s character. Rather, relationships are built on accepting people the way they are & learning to live with their faults, because no one is perfect.

The best way to address your man’s attitude of “keeping malice” is through communication. Call him & explain to him how much his attitude hurts you. Tell him that you love him & that if he values your happiness, he should stop hurting you through his attitude.

Tell him that his attitude of keeping malice is the only issue that could affect your happiness if both of you marry. If there is any other issue bothering you about him, now is the time to tell him & resolve it before marriage.

Explain the implications to him & stop doing anything that givesrise to such a negative attitude from him. Be patient with him, because people who act childishly are like babies.

It would take time for them to grow up. But if you can’t take it anymore, tell his parents to talk to him. Finally, try to control your anger so that your final decision will be based on reason & sound judgment.

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