My name is Flora and my story is quite painful. But please don’t blame me until after reading my story to the end.
I was 25 years old and had been married less than a year when I got pregnant. Jimi and I had been together for 3 years and were married early in 2005. We had always talked about having a family together.
Jimi had said he wanted a girl and a boy. Little did he know, I never wanted kids because I felt I was ready to have children yet, especially considering my career as a high flying banker.
I took the contraceptive pill religiously. My life was like clockwork and contraception was always high on my list of priorities.
To my regret, I didn’t take action soon enough. A mere 8 months after I became Mrs. Jimi, I found myself praying for menstruation to come while I had already started throwing up in the morning. The doctor confirmed I was 8 weeks pregnant.
I loved Jimi and never had the intention to hurt or betray him. I just could not afford to have a child. Not because I was scared of losing my job, but because I felt having a child would completely change everything about my life.
To me, the thought of procreation also seemed unnatural. I was always happy to be with children, and people often said that I look like someone who would one day make a loving mother. But I never thought of myself as a mother, maybe because I am perhaps too selfish to ever dedicate my life to raising a family.
I realized that the way I thought about parenting was frowned upon by many of my friends and family. Above all, Jimi always appeared sad whenever I told him that I wasn’t ready to have children. For that reason, I vowed not to talk much about the issue of children anymore to anybody so that my real feelings would never be known.
I had hoped that our honeymoon period would last throughout our marriage, so that children would never be able to interfere with my life. In fact, I had expected my husband to continue loving me without demanding for kids.
However, this delusion of mine was shattered as soon as my doctor announced with glee that in approximately seven months time, I would become a new mother.
I was so determined never to get pregnant in the first place, that I had never actually thought about abortions. It was strictly against my parents’ religion to even consider such an act, so my first feelings after hearing the dreaded news was complete panic.
I went home to Jimi and told him with a fraudulent smile that I was in fact pregnant with his son or daughter. He was over the moon and would not stop kissing my stomach. His actions made me feel even more nauseous than I already was.
It may seem strange looking back on the situation why I even bothered to tell him. But Jimi was my best friend and lover and because of that I actually thought of keeping the child for no other reason but to please him.
I tried to convince myself that having a child might bring happiness into my life and that I was devilish to think otherwise. This self-loathing tactic only made me hate the child even more for provoking me to hate myself. I then decided that I could not go through with the pregnancy.
My husband would have divorced me on the spot if I had asked him to consider having an abortion. So I thought of another way to get rid of the child without making it look suspicious.
So a few days before my abortion, I began to fake having stomach cramps and bleeding, in order to ensure that Jimi wouldn’t be so surprised when I eventually announced that I had had a miscarriage.
I told my husband that I was bleeding and that the bleeding had become very serious. I also warned him of the high risk of complications in the first trimester of pregnancy.
During that period I began to feel so guilty about betraying my husband. All the betrayal and deceit began to eat away at me and I was depressed. However, regardless of the guilt I felt, I couldn’t face the alternative of bringing a child of my own into the world.
I went through with the abortion while on lunch break from work. The doctor was very careful and the entire process was simple and clean and took not more than an hour.
I went home to my loving husband and allowed the weeks of pent up emotion to overflow in an effort to convince Jimi that I was truly devastated as a result of increased bleeding which happened at the office.
Of course, Jimi insisted I go straight to the hospital and see a doctor. I lied and told him I had already gone, where they confirmed that I’d had a miscarriage.
Naturally, my husband was devastated that I had lost the baby. His pain only strengthened my guilt which contributed to an uncontrollable outburst of emotions and I wept for a long time after that.
To my husband, my weeping appeared natural, since he thought I had just lost my child. But to me, I wept because I had intentionally killed his baby.
Over the next few years we continued to try to have another child. I continued to deceive my husband for five more years that I was either infertile or barren, and he started running all over the place looking for solution and taking me round different churches and pastors praying for the fruit of the womb, until I suddenly realized that my husband was living in bondage because of me.
Instead of marrying a second wife, my husband had continued to place all his hopes in me to give him children. It was at that point that I realized how wickedly I had acted towards my husband, and then I decided to actually start having children for him.
Even though I knew that I was very fertile, I started taking fertility pills to complement my effort at trying to conceive, and I did get pregnant and gave birth to a baby boy last year, after almost ten years of marriage.
At the thanksgiving in the church, my husband told the parish priest and the entire congregation that God had finally done his miracle in our lives by making me conceive and bear a child again, after the miscarriage we suffered several years ago.
Unknown to my husband, God never closed my womb after my so-called miscarriage. I had never been barren. I was the one who had refused to get pregnant. The truth was that I had actually closed my own womb by myself!
I have finally realized that life is not all about my career or profession. I now realize that my lies and deception almost destroyed the wonderful and happy married life I could have had with an amazingly wonderful and generous man.
I commend my husband for his maturity and faith in God in not marrying a second wife or having children outside during all that time. But I blame myself for everything that went wrong with our marriage, but I thank God that the many bad years of my lies and deception in marriage have now ended well with my having a child for my husband.
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